


Aftermath

by madlibs



Series: Aftermath - Louise Shepard's story [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Coping, F/M, Loss, Plenty of side character will appear I'm just not sure if I should tag them..., Shakarian - Freeform, finding yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-29 17:19:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 13,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3904528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madlibs/pseuds/madlibs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Galaxy almost ended for them. At the very least, it came spectacularly close. In the aftermath of something so catastrophic, it takes time to find what keeps you going again. Even for Shepard. Once she finally begins to recover, she'll have no choice but deal with everything she'd worked so hard to push aside while fighting.<br/>A retrospective look on life after war, dealing with loss, rebuilding yourself and all kinds of love</p><p>Warnings for: Panic attacks, PTSD</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beginning from the End

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I'm posting here, and its probably one of the more complicated things I've written, at least to try and explain. For the sake of clarity I'm not using a general Shepard like I usually would, so here's her stats! Please enjoy, and forgive my horrible summary
> 
> Louise Shepard  
> Spacer - War Hero - Engineer  
> Paragon  
> Garrus Romance   
> Destroy Ending

When a galaxy comes uncomfortably close to extinction, it’s unsurprising that once the initial relief passes there is a lot of a grief and anger. When there is no more fighting to hold onto, to distract, to use as a funnel for that grief, it can make you stupid.

Louise Shepard had woken with plenty of anger and grief to spare. She had been comatose for almost a year after her decision at the citadel, slept through most of the pains and aches and open wounds of her fall from grace, but she had lost more time. Then no one could even tell her where the Normandy had gone, what had happened to it and the crew or if they were even alive; that they’d made it through a relay and lost contact after the crucible fired. Then when she felt like nothing could get worse she realised that she couldn’t move her legs. From the waist down she just couldn’t do anything.

It was that moment of realisation, she couldn’t walk, that broke the careful calm it had taken a decade of military work to build. It started with panic, trying to force herself to move, and it grew into a hot searing anger that could break clenched teeth. Honestly if her mother hadn’t been there, held her to the bed in the stiff grip that only a career of military and motherhood could gather to hold her down as she screamed and tried to thrash through the hot tears, she’d might have destroyed something. She’d never felt so angry. She wanted to kill something, she wanted her gun, she wanted her life and her ship and her friends….

But just like any fit, she settled. She grieved silently. 

She didn’t bother try to get any semblance of her old life back. She ignored the psychiatrist that came everyday, ignored the neurologist who told her she could get back on her feet if she just tried, hardly said a word to her mother and stared at the ceiling or out the window at the growing city of London outside her window. The nurses would try to coax her, her mother visited nearly daily and even told her information that they both knew was above her pay grade to try and spur something in her. They all muttered about Depression. PTSD. Survivor's guilt. Grieving processes. Brain injuries. Nerve Damage. It was like they’d forgotten she wasn’t deaf

When she looked in a mirror the first time, after weeks of hardly moving or caring, she could hardly recognize herself. She looked scruffy, with scars where she assumed burns and cuts were made matching the several other scars down the rest of her body. They’d had to cut her hair, but it had already grown to just a little longer than she remembered, and it felt dry and knotted to the touch. She knew that it was the same face. It was definitely Commander Shepard staring back at her. But she just couldn’t find anything inside that said it was her; that this reflection wasn’t a picture she was looking at. She couldn’t connect to the woman she was. She’d thrown the little mirror out the window, rolled over as much as she could, and didn’t get back up. 

She stayed that way for months. After awhile, she started to sit up on her own so her eyes could chase the sunset across the new skyscrapers and buildings that climbed a little closer to the skies every day. A few days of this practice, not noticing that it was less of a struggle each time she tried, and she swore she could see the beam in the sky. THE beam. The last time she’d seen anything, the last time she’d seen her crew…her breathing quickened and she could feel her fight or flight instincts kicking in. Her heart raced, eyes scanned the room looking for a weapon, anything, because reapers came with that beam and no one was safe and--

It was her first real panic attack. The nurse that had been alerted to her vital sign spike had rushed in to find her in a mess, her front end on the floor trying to pull the dead weight of legs that barely listened to her let alone had the strength work. Commander Shepard did not cry for anyone. She did not get worked up, or choked up, and the only person who had ever seen her truly terrified was lost in space. Except now for this one nurse. This short, middle aged man who hauled her back into bed as she cried and screamed, who held her arms firmly but gently to keep her from hurting herself, was now witness to the death of a well groomed facade. Years of agony and fear in one fit of panic, one exhausting fit of panic that felt like hours, but judging by the sunlight she could still see dipping behind the buildings from her bed when the nurse gently let her rest back on her pillows, it couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes. 

The next day she sat up when the psychologist came in for her regular afternoon visit and, for the first time in a very very long time, introduced herself as Louise Shepard and asked to keep the curtains drawn.


	2. Motivations

It was nearly two years into her recovery that Shepard was finally able to use a walker on her own. She wouldn’t be climbing any mountains, but she could stand, dress herself, even get down the hall to the lounge to have short conversations with nurses or fellow patients on her ward. Most of her ward was fellow marines who didn’t get out as lucky as she did, though she would still argue whether she was lucky at all. She kept tentatively good terms with most people who were willing to talk to her; she felt more like her old self, more open as she mentally healed from most of her war wounds, though she couldn’t bring herself to actually make friends. If anything, she treated everyone as a comrade; allowed them close enough and yet never personally so. They all probably didn’t even know her first name, just like anyone else in the world. 

It was on one of these many leisurely, distracted strolls, that Shepard’s mother had crashed into the ward, wearing a grin that lightened the shadows on her aging face, and told her that the Normandy had connected to an Alliance outpost while entering the Local Cluster on track for Sol System that morning. Without relays, they’d been carefully voyaging through space for the last year after repairing what they could from a crash landing. Everyone had survived. They were struggling, but they were together and alive. 

She wasn’t sure the last time she held her mother so tight, or how she felt about crying again considering it felt like it was all she’d done the last year, but she did know that they were alive. They would be here. Liara, Tali, Joker, Chakwas, Ashley, James, hell she was even excited to see damn Diana Allers. Garrus. Garrus would be here. 

Louise Shepard opened her curtains again.


	3. Time passes

With new found motivation, Shepard found her life moved much faster now. She finally left the hospital, living in her own temporary apartment provided by the company that had owned her old building, Tiberius Towers, in hopes that she would still be the tenant in Anderson’s unit once the Citadel was cleared for settlement again. They wanted the acclaimed Commander Shepard so they could boast their apartments only housed the best on the Citadel. If it weren’t for the fact that she gravely missed being in space, she’d have probably told them to shove it. Besides, not having to live with her mother at 35 years old was welcoming. 

Earth still felt strange to her. She had lived in many places between her army brat upbringing and military career, but the one constant she’d always remembered was stars, open space and the hum of mass effect fields. Now she had too much time and too much real gravity. Her mother, who still visited daily, would joke that ‘if you hadn’t been an engineer, you’d have lost your mind years ago’

She was probably right about that. Now that she could use tech and tinker as she pleased, she’d been mindlessly switching between upgrading her drones and ruining just about any electronic she could get her hands on. When command cleared her to carry a weapon again, she added repairing old guns to her list of new hobbies, mercilessly taking them apart to learn how they worked and put them back together. The smell of guns and oils and gears was comforting, something familiar in all the new things around her. It smelled like the Normandy armoury, or like Garrus after he’d spent hours on his rifles. She slept better with that smell around. 

It got easier when she was finally allowed back to work, under recommendation of Admiral Hackett. They’d made her sit through a medal ceremony though; made her walk and stand in her dress blues and even televised it despite her constant protest. This was worse than when she got the Star of Terra. At least then standing at attention for thirty minutes wasn’t so uncomfortable. Hackett and her mother had apologized after, Hackett running defense with the press so that Hannah could rush her off to a quiet spot where she could sit down. 

“You know,” Her mother started, brushing her fingers through her daughter’s hair, “I thought you’d be more excited for the promotion part. Rear Admiral Shepard has a good ring”

Shepard closed her eyes, the affection familiar, and smirking a little at her mother's teasing. She knew the jokes about their similar positions would be going on for a very long time. “Honestly I’d given up on any promotions long ago. I figured they wouldn’t want me having too much power after being a Spectre”

“Well, you aren’t wrong, but heroes like you get perks. It helps that you’re still pretty too,” Shepard rolled her eyes at her mother, who chuckled, “Besides. all Admirals have clearance at the dry docks. They’re really tightening up security with the frigate that should arrive in the next few days”

She opened her eyes and stared her mother down. She almost didn’t believe what she was insinuating, “But....is the XO allowed to board?” she asked tentatively, still not sure if she believed entirely that she could be talking about the Normandy. She’d spent so much time trying not to think about the Normandy that she was sure she would break all over again if she lets even the smallest bit of hope in. Her mother just gave a sigh and a loving smile, “Of course. They’re coming home, honey”


	4. Being ready

It doesn’t surprise Shepard in the slightest that when she arrives at the dry dock, there’s already so much ruckus that the whole dock is ablaze with activity. The crew wanted to be landside, wanted to have their own nightmare over, and were held back by protocol. She could already see heads poking out of the docking tube, some particularly scruffy looking men trying to sneak past the guards who couldn’t let them out till an officer cleared them. By the perks of being a Galactic Hero, she’d managed to be that Officer. 

Despite the chatter around her; the assistant trying to explain the day to her, the crews of scientists and engineers doing their assessments, the officers preparing papers and still arranging transports and housing for crew members….she could only stare from where she stood in the administration office. She knew this ship like she knew a battlefield; it was instinct memorized through practice, through use. Yet this ship was hardly recognizable. It was patched with as much as they could salvage it seemed. Most likely they’d been relying on kinetic barriers for use of the cargo bay in order to take parts of it and fortifying obvious weak spots around where engineering would be. It would have been unsafe to use as quarters, so if they followed the emergency protocols she’d made way back on the SR-1, all engineers would be moved to the crew deck quarters and as many tasks would be done remotely as possible. They would hate that….

She’d expected to break down at the mere site of the ship. Her ship. And yet, she felt oddly calm. She had a routine to follow, a job to do, and with people she was sure she could still predict. People who had not seen her broken and wouldn't worry about treating her with care. Being an XO came naturally, and it felt like a second skin she could put over the more delicate one she’d been nursing in the year since she woke up. Having that job to do, a mission almost, was better than any drug they’d given to keep her calm. 

In spite of that she could still feel the slight cold sweat on her palms. She could hear the faint worries in the back of her mind trying to tear at the wall she’d built to keep them back insisting that she was no marine anymore. She was just Louise. Louise was broken and had no place on a military vessel with the glory of the Normandy.....but she’d learned enough in this year to understand the anxiety. It was part of her, but that didn’t mean it was right. 

That didn’t mean it was right. Shepard repeated it in her mind again and took a deep breath, left the office and walked down the dock to her ship. 

“At ease soldier, this crew is cleared to dock” she was surprised how quickly she slipped back into her Commander voice. It was like breathing almost, and she felt like maybe Commander Shepard and Louise Shepard weren’t actually so different. As the guard stepped aside, she heard the excited yells of her CIC crew, Traynor near the front of the pack that came to crowd her in the excited clamour of ‘we knew you’d make it’s and joking complaints about Ashley as their acting-XO as though Shepard could do anything. Traynor’s question stuck out though, “Commander, what happened?”

She took pause at that. She knew that Traynor meant what had happened after they’d lost contact with her. The whole crew probably knew very little, and only what they could learn from dodgy extranet access. If she brought it up though….no, she wasn’t ready for this at all. So she grinned, straightening the collar of her dress blues, “Actually, its Admiral now” She thanked every higher power she’d ever heard of that that was enough to distract the crew, salutes and a few brave hugs coming her way, “Alright alright, simmer down soldiers. I need you back at your stations for at least another half hour before I can relieve you of duty”

She went over the protocol for how the impromptu debriefing and overview for the crew would go. She’d stop by their stations, then dismiss them once their deck was cleared. Once dismissed, they reported to the officer who was arranging their files and information at the dock office to quickly get everyone off to any families or at the very least into their own temporary homes on base. 

Then with the proficiency only a Shepard could have, she herded the crew back into the air lock, and turned to the familiar view of of Joker’s chair turning towards her. She let a grin creep up as she stood in the cockpit once more, “Good to know our best pilot made it out without my help this time” she said casually

“Barely. Do you know how hard it is to go nearly two years without extranet? We didn’t even have full power the first six months!” He complained, though he still had that same Joker grin, “Plus Tali’s whole fear of spider’s thing got not funny really quick when we found actual big spiders.”

Shepard laughed, a genuine one that almost felt unfamiliar, shaking her head, “Well you’re a free man now Flight Lieutenant. You can join my club of Space Kids Turned Earthlings” 

“No offense Command- Admiral” he scrunched his nose at her unfamiliar title and she chuckled again, “But any club you start is usually dangerous, and I need a danger break”

“Don’t worry, we mostly hobble around and try to fill our time in this new club. Once you’re debriefed you can have a nice long danger break with lots of extranet, but you’re gunna have plenty of work when they start fixing this girl up”

“Yeah yeah, but for now! For now I’m going to pick up girls at bars,” he grinned at her, but she could tell he was holding back quite a bit behind the casual atmosphere. He wasn’t even trying to hide it really. She could almost feel the distinct lack of EDI’s presence, both physically and in voice, and she had to avoid the thought that it was her fault to keep herself from falling apart in apologies. This was only proving she wasn’t ready for active duty.

She turned enough that she could look down the hall and into the CIC. She chatted a little with Joker, not bothering to be a stickler with the debriefing and keeping it casual since her portion would be a small one anyway. She let slip how she’d had to learn to walk again, and he joked that now she was joining his club for once. She rolled her eyes, patting his shoulder and telling him that whenever he was ready he could go. “Take as long as you need, Joker.”

“Couldn’t rush me if you tried Commander”

Neither of them bothered to correct the title


	5. Job to do

Most of the Alliance crew had disobeyed orders and gathered in the CIC for debriefing. Each department presented their work over their time adrift, which ranged from general maintenance reports to explanations on how they jerry rigged her old fish tank VI into a timer-slash-clock to keep the engineers on shift and board checks rotated. 

Honestly she’d never been prouder. The crew had stuck together and kept everyone alive. It could have easily gone about as well as Jacob’s father’s ship crash had, possibly worse with trained soldiers and marines, and yet they were all home. Worse for wear, thinner and exhausted, but safe. 

Ashley had come up as well after the rumour spread that Shepard had a limp now, apparently. She didn’t, not really, they both concluded after a demonstration, and hugged each other tightly. Both being born and bred military, it was a short affection that was rare and meant plenty, then Ashley assisted with the debrief. With Ashley on the Normandy’s datapad and Shepard on her own report pad, they were finally starting to see fewer bodies in the CIC. With everyone leaving through the cargo bay for admin check in, the traffic died down to nothing as they leaned against the Galaxy map railing, tapping through their information as they combined and correlated

“So are you and James an actual thing or is everyone telling me the exact same wild story” Shepard smirked as she scrolled, multitasking she assured herself, as Ashley stiffened

“Well. You know. Being stranded out in the great unknown you kinda start just appreciating the company you have. Its not official or anything but since your party, you know, fraternization just seemed less and less like a big deal” Ashley spoke quickly and never looked up from her datapad until a thought hit her, slight panic in her rushed question, “Wait you aren’t going to discharge me are you??”

“Discharge you for what?” Shepard played oblivious, though she nearly chuckled when Ashley went to explain before catching on and smiling, “Thanks Skipper. You always were the best”


	6. Thoughts

After leaving Ashley with Joker, hoping she could coax him off the ship, Shepard stood over the Galaxy map with her hands tight on the rail. She pretended to be listening to her assistant prattle on about….well anything it seemed, but she was really focused on the swirl of the milky way before her. 

She remembered a time when she was finally settling in on the SR-2, back into life and living and feeling more free without all the restrictions that had held her back while she was chasing down Saren. She’d felt, surprisingly, good. Also, hungry. She’d skipped dinner and was eating a bag of some crispy snack that tasted something like a potato chip if you had a good enough imagination, leaning on the rail of her Galaxy map and having Yeoman Chambers take down the order of planets they would be visiting along the trajectory she’d plotted with Joker when they were leaving Korlus (with the Krogan that would soon be Grunt packed away on the engineering deck). Kelly was smart, but she was definitely clueless in galctic geography, so despite it just being a general itinerary for crew to follow and plan restocking trips it was taking more of her evening cycle than expected. It ate into the time she’d been using to visit around on the decks, which lead to emails from crew asking if everything was alright and her communicating with them on their days work over messages instead. 

And yet, even though she knew he was hurting and angry with her, only Garrus had come up to the CIC personally to check on her absence. The elevator opened and there he was, his face barely holding together and clearly still hanging onto some exhaustion despite having a few weeks of rest by then, giving the smallest sigh of relief when his eyes met hers. He’d been worried. She didn’t realise she could appreciate that so much; having someone care. She gave him a smile as he approached her perch at the Galaxy Map, “What brings you up here, Vakarian?”

“Just making sure you hadn’t caused a very quiet mutiny or something,” he casually folded his arms, “though seeing a tiny human snacking in a spot made for ruthless Turian Generals was well worth the trip.”

She’d smirked and shrugged, “I could never pull off the ruthless thing anyway. Wanna join me up here while I explain the universe to Kelly?” he’d raised a brow plate at that, skeptical, and she realised that it’d most likely be a bad thing in the Turian military if he’d tried to join a general on the CIC perch. But Garrus, always the rebel, had joined her anyway, leaning on the rail next to her and chatting as usual between explanations for Kelly. It’d been one of the first times he’d really softened to her again.

But now it was different. She closed her eyes and tried to push thoughts of Garrus out of her mind, sure she would run if she thought too hard or too long. Two years they’d been apart, and no doubt he was sure she’d died again. He probably wanted nothing to do with her, and was hiding in the battery to avoid the inevitable confrontation. How many times will a guy take you back after dying on him, after all.

She turned back to the elevator as she rubbed her eyes with her palms, ignoring her assistant’s protests to come back. She glared, “At ease, Specialist” and hit the button for engineering. She sighed in relief of the quiet as the doors closed, repeating all her stupid mantras in her mind and trying swallow the pit of inevitable rejection in her stomach. 

She gathered herself as much as she could before the doors opened once again, but it didn’t matter since they opened to the ever glaring four eyes of Javik. He’d been ‘contemplating’ outside the elevator (ie moping) on whether he wanted to go up to the Crew Deck, it seemed. She’d heard that’s where the non-alliance crew was waiting together

“I wasn’t sure I would see you again, Javik” she said, stepping off the elevator. She still had Adams to debrief but the man wasn’t leaving his station for anything. Javik eyed her in that slightly creepy way he always had, offering his hand then as though to shake. She eyed the hand, then him, folding her arms, “I’m not falling for that” 

“I see” the Prothean before her seemed to study her, respectfully moving his hands behind his back “The war did not end accordingly then. You are hiding failure”

She shook her head, “It ended just fine. No more Reapers, they were all wiped out in the crucible blast” she assured him, “I succeeded and I did it gloriously. But I don’t feel like having my chemistry picked apart today” her eyes didn’t leave his, firm in her stance. If there was one thing she was definitely proud of, it was her victory. She’d done what no one else could, and she’d survived even if it was a close one. It had also become a very personal breakdown. There was a lot of pain, and Javik wasn’t one to pick and choose when reading through someone. He studied her a moment longer before nodding, then turning back to his room as he said

“I am glad of your survival, Commander”


	7. Found

Shepard had found her frazzled Liara and Tali in the Crew Deck’s mess hall. Really, it was more that they saw her and nearly tackled her to the floor, neither thinking twice of whether she was physically able to withstand both of their weight on her at once (which had given her a surge of pride considering the amount of coddling she’d gotten the last few years), and had sunk herself to the floor to avoid the pain that came with heavy lifting. Neither Liara or Tali seemed to mind, moving with her and even using the seated position to hug her more comfortably. Tali was obviously weeping, exclaiming her happiness and relief between sobs as Shepard gently rubbed her arm and promised she was here for her now. Liara had her forehead rested on Shepard’s shoulder as she held her one free hand tightly with both of her own. She stayed collected, barely speaking if not to help calm Tali back down, but Shepard knew just in the tight hold of her hand that Liara had missed her. She loved Tali more than most people, but she’d always been Garrus’s best friend and Liara her own. Liara always knew when and how much to say, and she more than anything else never pushed for more than Shepard was willing to give. She was a lot like Garrus that way. The hand to hold as they coaxed their Quarian back from tears before she salted up her ports was the exact support she needed. 

“Tali it’s alright. You can come stay with me, and there are plenty of other Quarians on earth. We’ll get you rested and then work on getting you home to Rannoch. I’ve never let you down before have I?” Shepard spoke softly, reassuringly, trying to give as much comfort as she could with an exo-suit and 2 years between them. 

Tali only shook her head in response, mumbling about if it was really okay that she stay. Shepard nodded, “Of course. We’ll set you up in a spare bedroom and you can stay as long as you like. Go get your things and I’ll meet you in the shuttle bay alright? My mother, Admiral Shepard will be down there soon, I’m sure she’d love to meet a fellow Admiral” she smiled, and the gentle coax was enough to get Tali to her feet, “Don’t leave without me, okay?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Shepard smiled as Tali rushed off, looking to Liara then, “You’re welcome to stay, too. I could always use the company”

Liara chuckled, patting Shepard’s hand still in hers, “For now I think I need my own place again. At least while I start getting my network back up to speed, I want to find some semblance of normalcy while I decide my next move. Not to mention it will be nice to have my own real space again”

“Let me guess, you had arrangements the moment you had extranet connection” Shepard smirked

Liara’s smirk matched, “Of course. I won’t be far though. Once everything is installed, you’ll be begging to get rid of me”

Shepard laughed, shaking her head and nudging Liara, “I doubt that. Now will you help me up?” she shifted as Liara stood, lifting herself with mostly her own weight but prefered the reassurance of knowing she’d be caught if she couldn’t steady herself. Luckily she got on her feet just fine, though Liara gave her a look that made Shepard think she could almost hear the sound of her medical file opening, “I’m okay Liara. Still just in my first week back on duty, can’t you let an old woman be stiff”

That managed to crack a smile at least and Liara shook her head, “I would hardly call 35 an old woman. Though I do suppose you’ve lived more than most humans.” 

“I don’t know if you’d call it living so much as surviving,” she chuckled, glancing down toward the Main Battery, which stood closed and still. She thought for a moment, then asked quietly, “He’s been okay?”

Liara thought a moment before answering gently, “It’s been a roller coaster, really, for Garrus especially. We were all feeling rather hopeless when we lost contact, and when we realised that EDI was gone it only got harder to rally ourselves together. Garrus never gave up believing you were alive, even when we tried to keep him from getting his hopes up….” she folded her arms, looking down the hallway with a frown, “I think that’s part of the reason he got so withdrawn. He set up his own little space after a while and then we didn’t see him much outside of repair duties. He did curate the repairs in engineering with Adams though, so perhaps he and Tali will know more about his condition…...but he’s okay.”

Shepard nodded, the idea that he hadn’t stopped believing in her ringing in her ears and giving a quiet peace to her thoughts. He wouldn’t look at her and see a ghost again, because he’d never thought of her as dead. She felt the soft squeeze on her shoulder as Liara took back her attention, “I’m happy to see you Shepard. It feels like it’s all really over now that we have you”

She could only smile at that, and Liara gave a little shrug as though she knew and went to her cabin


	8. Reunited

It was an odd feeling to be so nervous while standing outside the Main Battery. She’d always either felt relaxed or excited to be coming here. Hell, she’d even snuck in here to nap while he worked when she needed to escape once and awhile, the hum of engines and the patter of Garrus’s working becoming a mix of her two greatest comforts. 

But this was different. This was two years and a lot of new baggage. Couples who went through hardship together sometimes couldn’t make it, what chance did they have when calamity was constantly pulling them apart to fight alone. She took a deep breath, reaching out and inputting the override that he’d thankfully never changed with her omni-tool, and held that breath as the door slid open. 

He was leaning against his workbench to the right, like he’d been expecting her, lifting his head to meet her eyes when she finally stepped in. They stayed like that for a moment, sizing each other up almost, like neither knew how or if things had changed. She knew how she must look. She was still too thin, her skin was only just starting to get a healthy colour back to it, her hair was longer than she’d ever let it grow and tied back in a pony tail. Her dress blues covered most of her new scars and her cybernetics had healed her with surprising speed and efficiency once they’d been able to reactivate them, but even she knew something about her was always just a little off even if you couldn’t see it.

He had that same look to him though. He was in full armour, but she could tell he wasn’t in top shape. He wasn’t any more scarred or battered or bruised than when she last saw him, but he had that same feeling that he was just a little bit off, too.

If she was the type to pray, now would be the time she’d do it. 

With her chest tight, she gave in first and let go of the breath she’d been holding and said tentatively, “So….what’s the protocol on reunions? Is this where we shake hands?”

The light tease was enough to finally break Garrus too. He chuckled, looking like a heavy burden had just melted off his shoulders, and she felt like she was finally home. The feeling made her smile as he pushed himself up to walk towards her and took one of her hands in his, similar to their first greeting on Menae all those years ago, “In most cases a lot of activities I don’t think you could handle, by the looks of it.”

She smiled wider and relief flooded her system. That wasn’t rejection. It was acknowledging that things were different but not enough that they couldn’t still be Shepard and Vakarian. “Are you trying to tell me I look bad, Garrus?”

“No, never. You never look bad,” he was sincere, one hand coming up to rest on her cheek, “but you do look like you’ve been on desk duty too long”

She full on grinned now, with her free hand grabbing the front edge of his carapace armour to pull his head down to her level, feeling brave, “That sounds like a challenge to me, soldier” and kissed his mouth plates, feeling her doubts melt at the familiarly strange feeling of whatever version of kissing they’d created after much practice. 

It didn’t feel the same as she remembered; they both were too different for things to just lock into place like nothing had happened, but it still made her chest tighten and her breath catch in her throat the way a really good kiss with someone who truly matters to you does. And that was enough. There was still love there and that was enough to tell her that this one little thing she had would be the thing that works. She grinned again when she met his eyes “You should know by now how I feel about challenges”

His mandibles flicked playfully, “Well, we do have some time to make up for”


	9. New Normal

Life found a loud, exciting harmony for Louise Shepard in less than a week. Tali was settled into her spare room, and the two engineers were officially the cause of most messes in the apartment. They spent most of their downtime building something, anything, together out of all the spare parts and devices she’d dismantled as busy work months before and fighting their combat drones (though they were practically banned from every public space for it). Garrus, who was unofficially living with them too, spent most of his time working on a datapad with the Turian refugees on earth or getting through choppy messages with the Turian Hierarchy, but his downtime was either her old guns or chasing Tali and Shepard down to keep the two from injury or worse. 

After a few days Liara started visiting every afternoon and they’d all have lunch. Shepard would take a break from her duties to come home and have a short meal before getting back to the grind. Some days Ashley even tagged along. It was a welcome visit, mostly because it gave her an excuse to get more levo-amino foods in a fridge that was very quickly being overrun by her dextros. Everything was split in different areas and always labeled, even down to frying pans and spices, to keep everyone happy and not poisoned (though there had been a small incident where Shepard ended up with the worst cramps of her life)

Everyone was slowly looking healthier. They were gaining healthy weight, their skin showing more colour, faces and voices brighter; it was like a family had been put back together. 

It wasn’t until three weeks into this whole arrangement that Shepard had her first attack since they came home. Garrus was stuck at the turian refugee camp, most likely overnight, thanks to a storm and his overwhelming amount of work thanks to another report from Palaven finally reaching them. All seemed fine at first, Tali and Shepard went through their usual routine before settling down for the night. She climbed into bed, realising how much cooler and lighter it seemed without a warm, heavy, too tall turian to fill the space, but it wasn’t too unfamiliar either. It was the quiet that got her.

One moment she was almost asleep, her mind gently whirring with thoughts and ideas when she instinctively noticed the silence. She strained to hear something, anything in the quiet; the street, the hum of appliances, anything…..but what she picked up was just a slight hissing sound. Now, in the front of her mind she knew it was probably just Tali checking one of her filters before heading to her room, but that looming anxiety in her mind screamed over the rational thought that the air was leaking. It took only a second for it to consume her thoughts and she leapt out of bed and pressed her back to the wall as she gasped for breath, pulling on the collar of her night shirt as her chest constricted and she looked wildly for something, anything that would make her survive. She had to survive, she had to breath, but the air was leaking she was losing atmosphere and she only had seconds before crashing through the atmosphere onto fucking Alchera of all places--

At some point she must have screamed, made some sort of noise that alerted Tali, who ran into the room to find her crying against the wall. In the part of her mind that still had some rational thought but wasn’t in control her actions, she thought Tali reminded her of that nurse. She held Shepard’s arm’s firmly, but gentle enough to not feel restraining, and called to her softly. Her voice felt muffled and lost, like it was out where the air was, but the noises made shape when she realised that Tali was calling her Louise.

Louise. She’s Louise Shepard. Commander Shepard had died several times and this was Louise. Louise who lived on earth and ran reconstruction initiatives. Louise could breath. There was air down here on the ground

Tali pulled her up and into bed as her sobs quieted into heavy breathing, Louise holding tightly to Tali’s hand as she laid on her side of the bed and Tali on Garrus’s. Exhaustion clung to her shaking limbs as she tried to focus on the slight noise of the Quarian’s suit and the firm hold of her hand to stay grounded, and after a long, tired few minutes she whispered, “I can’t stand the quiet”

The next morning Tali and Shepard spent their breakfast building a little fan to put on when it got too quiet, both fiddling with it until it sounded like something calming and familiar: a well oiled power generator. They’d had a long heart to heart through their project, swapping stories about their childhoods as military kids and living on space ships for a majority of their lives. Shepard had forgotten just how similar her and Tali were.

She’d made Tali promise not to tell anyone about the whole event, but she knew when Garrus came home that afternoon and kissed her urgently that a bigger promise had made her tell anyway. 

The fan helped, even on nights she didn’t need it, and Garrus never once complained about the noise (Years later when the fan would finally break, they’d both struggle for a good nights rest)


	10. Making it work

After a few months life got a little easier, and there was a strange semblance of peace. There were few attacks to speak of for Shepard, and most of the Normandy crew and others who’d been stuck on earth since the war while the relays were still under repair had found their places as well. Galactic communication was getting easier, and the engineers working on the relays were already starting object testing. Even businesses were coming back into operation in the citadel, though it wasn’t cleared for living on just yet. The Galaxy was falling into place. 

The first trouble started for Shepard when she’d gotten Tali clearance to work on the team fixing up the Normandy. Tali would be working on engineering, particularly with attempts to salvage EDI and other tech, but she was also busy now that she was back in contact with Rannoch. Liara was busy, too, though the information business wasn’t as profitable as it was before, she’d already created a large network for herself and spent most of her time nose deep in it as she shifted her focus to finding Feron once again. Even Ashley and James were busy, James with N7 and Ashley leading her own squad on the other side of London.

It was great. For them, anyway. For Shepard, her schedule had pretty much evened out, working regular hours. With communication easier and more reliable, Garrus was working less too. Without Tali as a buffer, both of them were starting to notice the gap that had grown slowly between the two despite sharing a home and space. It was frustrating, because they both knew who was the one pulling away. Shepard. 

She loved Garrus. More than anything in the world; the thought of him had kept her alive to see this side of the war. Which is why she’d told him nothing about her side of their time apart. He had no context for her new habits, medications, scars, attacks; he was flying blind and she’d just hoped he saw enough of the old Commander Shepard in her to stay. But the tension, without her realising, made her take on too much so she wouldn’t have to be home. 

Unsurprisingly, this lead to their first real fight. To be more correct, Shepard was fighting, Garrus was surprisingly calm in his frustration. The whole situation was oddly similar to a stray dog who’d backed itself into a corner while a kind stranger tried desperately to save it

“What do you want from me Garrus? I’ve told you everything I can”

“No, Shepard, you haven’t. You avoid talking about anything if it might mean you have to scratch the surface. I can hardly get you to come home at a decent hour, let alone tell me why you’re so secretive” He was still calm, but he was hurt. He felt isolated from the one person who he’d, at one point, considered his only friend in this galaxy let alone the only thing he’d love and die for. And now the look in her eyes, the hard Commander look she’d once only used to assert herself, keep distance and control a situation, had slowly built up to become a wall taller than he could climb. It was hard not to take it personally

She folded her arms, defensive, “Secretive? What secrets do I have to tell? And I have a lot of work to do, this promotion isn’t something for show!”

“I know you. You might be a workaholic but you only work this hard when you’re distracting yourself,” his mandibles closed tightly to his face, and even her human ears she could tell his sub-vocals sounded sad, “I need you to be honest with me”

“I wouldn’t lie to you, I have no reason”

“Then tell me. Do you want me to leave?” His eyes were stern, like he was trying to force her honesty

Her folded arms dropped, the steam of any anger or defense knocked right out of her, eyes shocked and a lump that she could tell was either a scream or a sob got caught in her throat. She could only shake her head slowly after a moment, “Garrus….no. No, no I don’t want you to go I would never want that”

“Then what the hell are we doing,” His mandibles were tight to his face still, but his eyes, voice and body language softened, “You keep me at an arms length, but....I need you. We’ve fought too long and hard for this galaxy to not make it through this together, Louise”

Louise. He needed Louise, not just Commander Shepard. She looked down at her own hands for a moment, willing herself back into her own head as she realised the separation she’d made again. Louise was still Shepard. Louise was just as good as Shepard. 

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes a moment before finally undoing her uniform jacket. She hadn’t taken it off since she got home, and as she laid it on the kitchen island between herself and Garrus she thought it a fitting sign of a truce. She gripped tightly on her dog tags, nodding and taking those off, too, so she was just Louise Shepard. Standing in her tank top and uniform pants, she tried her best to at least let Garrus have some foothold before she lost him for good. She took a deep breath again and started calmly, “I fell. I fell from the Citadel. The last thing I remember was falling, at least, I don’t know if I actually did or not. But I activated the crucible and….”

She paused as she fidgeted, very unShepard of her, but she wrung her hands around each other, “They said I was unconscious for the full year but I….remember some things. When you’re comatose, you aren’t always just asleep. There are...different levels of awake, so to speak. Sometimes you open your eyes, move, talk, even though you’re still not conscious….but all I could do was scream. The only parts I really remember is the dreaming...I knew I was hurt and I was somewhere but I thought I’d failed. The reapers had won and they were preserving me with tubes to make me into something else…...I remember a time I tried to get out, to run away, and pulled my IV out. I was gone again by the time I sat up, but my mom said they kept me in restraints me for a couple days after that. They said I cried a lot”

He’d made his way around the island to her as she spoke, moving slowly and holding her eye contact so he wouldn’t lose her. He took her hand tentatively, not minding when she just barely flinched and only being gentler

Her eyes were wet now, “When I woke up, really woke up, I couldn’t walk, I was so thin and sick and….” She took a moment to breath again, to slow down her speech and keep control, “I still have trouble with math. I couldn’t count or read very well for awhile and they had me do these stupid tests for children like I hadn’t saved the galaxy three times already, but the worst was that I couldn’t finish them. I couldn’t do an 8 year old child’s homework” she gave a sick, wet chuckle that held no humour, squeezing Garrus’s talons that held her hand gently, “And they told me you were dead. The Normandy was gone and all of you weren’t coming home”

Shepard was in full tears now, silently falling down her cheeks, she covered her mouth with one hand as an ache in her chest rose to her throat, “You were dead and I was stuck alive or in some nightmare while reapers kept me in tubes...but now you’re here and I just couldn’t bare it if I woke up and this was the dream all along. If I’m still asleep without you I….I…couldn’t do it. I can’t do this if you’re not real it’s too hard--”

Luckily the last thing Garrus was afraid of was a crying Shepard. He hushed her quietly, pressing his forehead lightly to hers, saying softly as his free hand stroked her cheek “I’m sorry, Lou. I’m here, we’re real”

She closed her eyes, feeling almost like a kid at being called such a nickname. She was Louise Shepard. That’s right. She thought he couldn’t love the Louise Shepard who’d woken up after the war a changed woman, but he said her name. He didn’t see a difference between Louise and Shepard. 

She focused on the roughness of his plates against her forehead, his fingers against her cheek. She brought her hand up to grip his shirt and have more of him to ground herself to. She decided in that moment that whether this was reality or not, comatose or awake, she was going to choose this over anything else. This is where she would put her roots down and choose to stay. She would be the broken Louise Shepard, the evolved Commander Shepard. One person. A whole person.

It took some time after that, but Shepard started wearing her regular fatigues again, rather than her dress uniform like other Admirals. She started getting her hands dirty again, getting into projects rather than just assigning them, and reminded herself that this was what she chose the marines for. She was a person of action, she always had been, and she would be Admiral the same way she’d been a Commander: hands on and in the trenches with her men and women. She was a marine.

Most importantly, she was home every night.


	11. Strange, but good, days

Let it be known that Rear Admiral Shepard’s life never ceased to be interesting. It was coming up on the third anniversary of the Reaper War, and with Galactic Communication at full operation again, every species was planning some sort of event and she was getting invitations left and right. She spent everyday hoping, hell, even praying, that this would not be the event that sparks the Alliance sending her on a victory cruise. She wanted to be in space again but not if it meant some big show in her honour. 

Luckily, she’d only managed to be handed the duty of overseeing a Krogan/Human work treaty. Humans needed strong, efficient workers to speed up earth’s reconstruction and get more workers on fleet repairs. Smaller cities were already functioning well and most refugees of any race had their homes and jobs now, but big cities were still in need of heavy lifting in most areas. Krogan needed engineers and resources for their own rebuilds (from what she heard, particularly a temple if Bakara got her way), and Shepard had the name that commanded respect from both sides. She didn’t mind, really, since she actually enjoyed working with Krogan more than most humans, and it meant a visit from Wrex for photo ops. 

With Bakara back on Tuchanka keeping everything on track, Wrex had sounded more than glad to spend time travelling, even without the relays to shorten the trip. Still, with FTL speeds and the relative closeness of the Krogan DMZ to the Local Cluster, it wasn’t very long till Wrex and, to her added surprise, Grunt, were standing in Shepard’s office with stern looks on their faces.

She’d expected some form of reunion, the brotherly atmosphere she’d always had with the two, but they both looked….well, angry. Even Mordin, Wrex’s first born she’d received many proud vid messages of, had his arms crossed sternly.

“Shepard.” Grunt and Wrex huffed in unison, not taking their eyes off her

She stood up from her desk, giving a nod “Wrex. Grunt. Mordin.” 

Then, it was almost like a stand off. Two and a half krogan staring her down. She lasted a full minute before she finally asked, “So….what are you guys doing exactly”

“We heard some rumours. We figured it best to make sure the Turian was taken care of before all the political crap” Wrex said smoothly, Grunt punching his fists together in agreement

“The Turian…..Garrus?” Shepard leaned her hands on the desk, an eyebrow quirked in both curiosity and amusement, “Why would you need to take care of Garrus exactly?”

Wrex hit a few buttons on his omnitool and a moment later her own dinged with a message. She opened it to see a video, some gossipy trash news, doing a piece on Garrus. He’d given an interview to a Turian news outlet at the Primarch’s request a few days ago and it’d made his life strangely entertaining, since he now got fanmail which she delighted herself in reading aloud to tease him with. It had definitely taught her a lot about Turian anatomy 

Shepard’s relative silence in the media had created a spark of rumour and tabloid around herself and her crew, but Garrus’s interview seemed to even have sent the Humans wild. Often most of it made no sense, since gossip writers seemed think they all had way more time on their hands to have illicit affairs and habits than they actually did. This piece though, was a profile ‘confirming’ that Garrus and Tali had secretly gotten married during the war. 

The ‘evidence’ was mostly a short vid of them arguing at the limited selection of dextro food at the grocery store, which she actually remembered all too clearly because it was the beginning of both Shepard and Garrus requisitioning dextro supplies from their respective militaries for the sake of their friendships. There was another shot of Tali talking to a Turian that wasn’t even Garrus, they didn’t even look alike, and a shot of them in the Alliance Ambassador’s Lobby…..

She looked up at the two krogan, who were rearing for a fight, Grunt already proclaiming revenge in her honour as Mordin did a weak little growl next to them. She closed her omnitool with a smirk, “Sorry boys, false reports. Garrus is fine and Tali just lives with us. No diplomatic incidents needed”

The two looked at her like she’d lost her mind, Mordin still trying to rear up his own little fight obliviously, “You sure about that?”

“Very sure. He should be at the new Turian embassy this afternoon if you want to go ruffle his feathers for your own piece of mind” Wrex and Grunt looked to each other and grinned in a way that she knew would mean getting a call from the embassy later no matter what, “But you can’t go until you get the treaty work done”

Their eyes shifted back to her, grins falling as they muttered that she was just like Bakara. She warned them that flattery would get them nowhere. Days like this made her realise that despite how she felt on the bad ones, she really was back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never done a chapter note before......but um hello! Thank you everyone for all the support this fic has gotten in the short time I've been writing it. It started as trying to fill the void that ME3 left with the ending and I'm glad to see people like how I've taken it. I posted a couple chapters by chance and I'm glad I did :)
> 
> There are a couple more chapters, I'm still deciding how far I want to take it but I am still writing. I just wanted to give a little bit of gratitude. Thank you a dozen times over for reading :)


	12. Being more open

After the incident with Wrex and Grunt, Shepard had become addicted to the tabloids. She had unofficially promised Garrus to be more present at home, so she tried to purposely leave work at her office and fill her time with her friends and family after hours. As she ate her dinner (take out naturally since she was a mediocre cook at best) and Garrus cooked his own, she sat at their kitchen island and flipped through the new articles on her datapad

“Did you know I’m not actually Shepard, I’m Shepard’s sister posing as her to keep up morale after the war?” she asked Garrus between bites, snickering to herself

“You know, I always knew something was off. Louise never was this big a pain,” his mandibles flicked into a smirk and she rolled her eyes

“Either way you are in love with an undead zombie, honey. Or well, according to this actually you and Tali are married, but it's trouble in paradise as Primarch Victus forbids the union”

He laughed outloud at that now and she grinned. What a weirdly domestic life she ended up leading. He shook his head, “The fact that I’ve said, on record, that Tali is like my sister makes this whole saga very disturbing”

Shepard shrugged, the prongs of her fork resting on her lips, “Very. But you know, pick and choose. You’re the only one of us whose given an interview in any personal capacity since the whole reaper thing, and you even vaguely said you’re in a committed relationship. You’re the most interesting man in the universe”

He plated his food before taking a seat beside her, brushing his hand over her hair as he passed in a mindless affection, “Clearly it’s on the top of my list for worst ideas”

“We all make mistakes. Yours just tend to linger” she teased, subconsciously shifting in her seat so she faced him a little better as she ate and read, “I might have to give an interview soon though. They’ve started a rumour that my father is actually Admiral Hackett”

“Hackett? Haven’t both your parents spent most of their careers working in his fleet?” Garrus asked, eating the faintly purple coloured pasta-like food. She knew the pasta was fine for her to try if she wanted but that sauce….

She nodded, bringing herself back to the present conversation, “Yeah, they served together as enlistees shortly before Hackett shot up the ranks. Him and my mom were the only earthborn soldiers in their unit, the rest were Luna or Mars colony kids, so they bonded. They’re just good friends though. Mom says after Dad she wants to stay married to the Navy”

Garrus was reading through the article himself now, chuckling at the more ridiculous parts, “Isn’t your background common knowledge? You would think things like this could be debunked with an extranet search”

She shook her head, getting up to rinse her plate off in the sink, “Not about my Dad. He was Spec Ops, Team Delta out in the Terminus. Everything was off record, the man barely exists outside memory. Even I don't really know what he did, and he wasn't around much once he made Delta” she looked up as she thought, “If it wasn’t for Hackett, Mom and I probably would still think he’s MIA.”

Garrus looked up, slightly surprised, “Hackett betrayed orders?”

She shook her head, taking her seat again, “No, he called my mother to the citadel and let her ‘overhear’ a discussion with another Admiral about it. Technically he didn’t break any regs. Mom never said anything about what happened, but she did let me know he had died. That’s why I was the only one from my team on shore leave for the Skyllian Blitz, mandatory three day leave when a soldier loses a close relative.”

He nodded, a pleasent smile on his face as he continued eating. It was a wonderfully odd experience to hear Shepard talk candidly about personal things, even before the war had torn her apart. He knew it was really only with him, but it was something that, honestly, made him feel very loved. She was making a conscious effort to let him in. “Well if I hadn’t thought you amazing before, I surely do now.”

She chuckled, giving him a playfully light kick to the shin, “What are you grinning about, Vakarian”

“Just wondering how I ended up with a badass, undead, galactic hero for a girlfriend”

Shepard nearly choked laughing before she got up to tackle him with kisses


	13. Another Beginning

“Admiral Hackett, sir, you wanted to see us?” Shepard saluted, a perfect muscle memory by now. She made eye contact with Joker, who stood a little more limply next to her but with respect as well, both silently trying to see if the other knew why they were here. Joker hadn’t even accepted a duty posting yet. 

“I did. Come, have a seat, we’ve got a lot to talk about.” Hackett sat down behind his desk again, both Shepard and Joker following suit as told while he continued, “Shepard, after assessing your progress of recovery as well as your military service, taking into account your time as Rear Admiral especially, we the Admirals have decided on your official posting.”

Shepard’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “If I may speak freely, sir, but I wasn’t aware my current post was unofficial”

“It wasn’t, but we acknowledged from day one that a post here on earth coordinating troops while they fix cars or elevators and such is a waste of your talents. You’ve been a tremendous help to the efforts of earth, but every good troop leader knows you have to keep your best out where the best are truly needed”

She nodded. He wasn’t wrong. She’d appreciated being in charge of the repair and engineering division for London, especially when she’d been feeling more like herself, but she had much more in her to give than a nine to five groundside job. She wasn’t itching for action or fighting, she just needed something bigger. She needed to be out in space

Hackett continued, “The Admirals have been talking about this for some time and upon their recommendation, as head of the Systems Alliance Military, I have decided that your best service can be given as head of the 103rd Marine Division”

Shepard stared blankly for a moment. The 103? The largest special forces division in the Alliance, even after their numbers took a hit with the war. It wasn’t as grand as commanding a fleet like each Admiral did, the 103rd was technically a division of the Fifth Fleet even if it operated independently, but it was the most esteemed division and often only run by an Admiral. She finally spoke, “Thank you, sir, this is a….an honour I can’t describe”

Hackett gave a nod, speaking more casually now that his official notes were out of the way, “The only restraint we’re putting on you is that Alliance Command be notified for approval should any 103 teams be involved in your business as Council Spectre, and that you are no longer a ground soldier Admiral. We’ll be slowly moving the 103 over to your command as we get each team off the ground. Starting tomorrow you’ll be taking command of Team Zeta. We’re also moving the new Biotic Company under the 103 banner, and you’ll need to give them an orientation. Naturally, your office here isn’t going to do, so we decided on a solution that’s more practical and better for morale both on your team and humanity as a whole. And that’s where our Flight Lieutenant comes in”

Shepard tried to contain her smile, but the lopsided grin came through anyway as she and Joker looked at each other like siblings who knew what they were getting for Christmas


	14. Fresh Start

Three years and six months after the fall of the Reapers, Rear Admiral Shepard toured the Normandy once again. No big changes were made, really, other than most of engineering and the shuttle bay having to be rebuilt from the frame out. It did seem slightly bigger inside though; most likely once they’d decided that the 103rd Division would be working out of it they took steps to give as much extra space as they could to living quarters.

They’d turned Javik’s room into an official engineering quarters, and she knew having engineers keep their junk in their own space would free up a lot of room for the rest of the team. The other end of the engineering deck, by her own request, had been turned into a clean room. Since Tali was officially on contract with the Alliance, Shepard had suggested that it would be of diplomatic sense, notwithstanding the usefulness of a clean environment. She still wasn’t sure if it was her persuasion or the pure fear of possibly losing Tali to some infection and the resulting political incident that had gotten her way, but gotten it she had. 

The crew deck was no different either though the Quarters had been extended as much as the mass effect core would allow. With the addition of more lockers down in the shuttle bay and how little most marines kept anyway, it was more than enough room for a standard crew and anyone rotating on or off the Normandy. With everything cleaned up and no more boxes everywhere like it had been during the war, the Normandy was in her best condition yet. Just as Anderson had planned, the Normandy SR-2 had become a beautiful mobile command centre

The one thing she’d requested not be touched, even though she knew they wouldn’t dare, was their memorial. She’d stopped there on her way back up to the CIC and found Joker, Tali, Liara and Dr Chakwas chatting, the atmosphere surprisingly light. She took it as a good sign

“Dr Chakwas, I wasn’t sure if I’d see you here” Shepard smiled, shaking the Doctor’s hand

“I wouldn’t miss a tour with the Normandy for the world. Besides, with the trouble you get in, the 103’s med team needs the best” She joked, looking back to the wall, “Its always nice to come home”

“You can say that again” Liara added

“Its always nice to come home” Joker grinned at his own joke, Liara rolled her eyes, and he continued, “I’m still upset I missed Tali’s wedding though”

“Oh bosh’tet, don’t bring that up again” Tali made a little noise of disgust, “I’ll die where I stand if I see one more fake photo of me and random turians”

“Sorry Tali, I don’t think you and Garrus are living that one down anytime soon” Shepard grinned

“He’d better hope you two going public comes before his own name ends up on the memorial then” Tali threatened, an empty threat she’d heard many times by now but all eyes were on Shepard now, curious

She shrugged, “Garrus and I aren’t hiding anything. If anyone asked we’d tell the truth.”

Joker scoffed, “Yeah like anyone is brave enough to ask a Galactic Hero if she’s a spinster or doing the deed with a Turian”

“Then I guess the galaxy will never know,” Shepard shrugged again and was met with another groan from Tali. She looked over the memorial again, everyone’s eyes back on it as well with sad smiles. It had been a long, amazing journey to get here, and yet when she looked at this board she almost felt like the same twenty eight year old XO who just kept having all these important things handed to her that she didn’t even know if she could do. On the Normandy she had always been a good soldier, but she had grown over the years from a woman that things happened to into a woman who made things happen. It seemed subtle, but it was definitely a metamorphosis that she had important people to thank for. 

As if knowing what she was thinking, Dr Chakwas said fondly, “Anderson would be so proud. And relieved that it’s you making his mobile command centre a reality”

Shepard looked to the Doctor and then back at Anderson’s name. His last words, that he was proud of her, replayed in her mind with such clarity that she could have heard it yesterday. She took a deep breath to speak, but she had no idea what to say. She’d known Anderson since her N7 training; he’d been a father figure and a friend that she still mourned. She sighed instead. This was not the long, emotional thoughts she needed to be having in front of her crew. The best thing she could do right now was continue to make him proud. She would follow in his footsteps and be the best goddamn captain, best person, in the Alliance Navy.

Shepard finally nodded, smiling a bit, “Alright, funs over. Everyone to their stations. Tali I need an update on the AI core”

Tali sighed again, opening her omnitool and started walking with Shepard toward the AI Core, “So far I’ve only been able to salvage the VI she used to be on Luna. Most of her databases are intact, so EDI is in there somewhere, I just have to get out all the dead reaper code out so that the information can pass properly. I figure once its all cleaned out, her higher processes should activate on its own.”

“Makes sense. So what’s running our warfare suits in the meantime?” Shepard asked as the door opened to the core, which was a mess from Tali’s tinkering with EDI’s mobile unit respectfully laying on the bench and untouched

“Currently it’s her VI processes. It won’t be as intelligent as EDI was, but it’ll do if anyone is stupid enough to attack us.” Tali handed her a datapad to look over as she opened up the main AI terminal, “I’ve been talking to Admiral Zen- she managed to use the Geth that had uploaded themselves into Quarian exo suits to salvage the system and its almost brought them to peak performance. I’m thinking I can do the same with EDI’s mobile unit, which should at the very least help me get rid of the rest of the dead code, if not get her working entirely. She won’t be the same EDI, but its something”

Shepard nodded, still skimming through Tali’s report, “This is some amazing work. When I looked I was sure the reaper code had fried all that was left of her”

“No offense Shepard, you’re great and all, but you’re just not as good as me”


	15. We've Got Time

Shepard now stood in the War Room, which was now more aptly named the Control Room. Specialist Traynor herself had been in charge of pushing the comm to route and manage each section of 103 into the system so any marine with enough clearance could work through there on a team designated terminal, though the inner ring was clearly for Shepard and any dignitary that was working aboard. Tali had already been using it since there was no one of high enough rank on board to tell her not to when Shepard was ashore. 

In the centre, where a hologram of the crucible had once been, was now a holo of the Alliance logo. Shepard stared at it, assuming someone had changed it for her sake since the crucible was the pride of the Alliance (of the Galaxy, really) and any other Admiral would have kept the holo up just to gloat. The slow spinning ‘A’ in its place now, though, had her mesmerized.

Louise Shepard had been born on an Alliance station. She grew up in Alliance bases, the Alliance becoming a backbone to all she was. Even when she wasn’t technically a marine she lived like one. As she looked at this symbol now though…she wondered what it really meant to her these days. She’d been a tightly wound, closed off person before she lost the first Normandy, relatively straight faced at all times and probably hard to get along with. She knew now it was probably in part from losing her father, being twenty two and grieving; desperate to be part of her family legacy, she’d pushed herself to the brink over and over to be whatever Alliance needed whether that was soldier, XO or Spectre. 

It wasn’t until Cerberus brought her back and she saw her effect on the galaxy and Alliance, how it went on without her, while the people she cared was the kick she needed, that made her put the effort into loosening up and put those people first. She’d trusted more, let others in, and found something in herself that was strictly Shepard and not Alliance Marine. Having any part of herself like that, caring so much, had been what made the Reaper War both survivable and terribly, horribly painful. But if there was one thing mandatory therapy all these years had taught her it was that one thing didn’t define her. 

They had mostly meant her injuries, both mental and physical, didn’t change who she was, but now retrospectively she needed to apply that idea to her job, too. She was a marine, a proud one at that, but that was just apart of her. Unlike the Shepard in her twenties who had nothing outside of her job, this Shepard had a whole world that meant so much more than any battle. Glory, legacies, it was all great, but it was no where near as satisfying as your job coming off with your uniform. 

It had been difficult to accept at first, the idea that this broken woman could be the same great Commander. When she had been helpless and stripped of the things she had considered great about herself, she’d had no choice but sift through the darkness of a long and tragic war barely won as she tried to figure out who the hell she was anymore. Rebuilding her sense of identity; finding Louise Shepard again under the weight of the Commander, had been a much harder battle than she’d ever taken on. She’d probably opt to save the galaxy again long before she would ever go through recovery for fun, but she knew realistically she would fall on her ass again one day and need to pick herself back up. 

Recovery, not giving into the anxiety and fear and general dark feelings inside her, was a choice she made every morning. When she forced herself to take the time aside for her physio exercise, reminded herself to eat lunch and take her meds, clocked out instead of doubling her over time; it was all the choice to take care of herself and committing to her continuous recovery. Some days it was a harder choice than others, but she was okay. And, surprisingly, okay was one her proudest victories. 

Her thought was then interrupted by a warm hand on her shoulder, and she looked up to see Garrus as he folded his arms again next to her with that grin she loved so goddamn much. She smiled, “I’m in charge for barely an hour and the riff raff are already getting on board. Guess I need to be running a tighter ship” 

He chuckled at her and nodded, “Perhaps. You even employ convicts I hear”

“Call me a rehabilitation program. Jack is actually back under my command, did I tell you?” She smiled, a bit like a proud parent, “They moved her students to 103, she insisted on being part of the package”

“Well that’s one crew member you didn’t have to pull strings to get back. I’m surprised how many familiar faces you managed to fill your roster with” He was teasing her, but it only made her smirk with mischief

“When you save a galaxy, Garrus, you get the privilege of hand picking your team. And no one denies the saviour,” she chuckled, turning to look at him then with folded arms, “Which brings me to the topic…..Liara and Tali already accepted the contracts I offered them. But I’m still waiting on one Turian”

He avoided her gaze for a moment before staring ahead, and she let him think. She knew returning to the Normandy meant different things for everyone who’d been on it. Tali hadn’t been as forthcoming about the whole experience, and Liara was near impossible to get information out of if she didn’t want to give it, but Garrus had come to her ready to talk. He’d had an awakening of sorts, knowing the first time he’d said he loved her could have been his last, and had been happy to share with her whatever she wanted and everything on his mind when he wasn’t showering her with affection. When they were off duty, Louise and Garrus instead of Shepard and Vakarian, they’d grown into a sickeningly lovey dovey couple. Being faced with death several times does that to people though. 

There had been many nights where Garrus laid on his stomach, Louise propped against his back with a pillow as they talked or read to each other. After they’d ‘fought’ and she came out of her shell again, she’d shared all of herself with him, too. But it also meant she knew he had some difficult memories of the Normandy he was dealing with now. That wasn’t even factoring in what his responsibilities with Palaven would be. 

After a moment, he faced her as well, scratching the back of his head, “I was planning to accept. I still have every intention; I’ve yet to miss a tour on the Normandy and I don’t plan to start now,” he assured, most likely for himself, “My reaper team is dealt with, everything else was volunteer, I can leave anytime….but I do need to take some responsibility and head home to Palaven. Solona and my father are finally settling in, and it’s been more than 3 years since I saw them--”

He was rambling as he tried to justify, so she reached out to put her hand on his arm to interrupt him, “Garrus, honey, its okay. I want you here but I want you to do what you have to first.” his eyes met hers, trying to make sure she wasn’t lying most likely, so she gave a bit of a lopsided smile, “You know, I even have a couple excuses of my own to go to Palaven. I’ve heard I’m wanted at a ceremony for a war memorial”

Garrus raised a brow plate at her, skeptical, “Yes, but if you accept that you’ll have to accept every other council race’s request. You hate victory cruises”

She shrugged, looking back at the Alliance logo, “I could limit it to homeworlds, shouldn’t take more than a couple months to get through. Besides, you’re more important than avoiding press and stuffed shirts.”

His mandibles flicked, shy but happy, leaning down to press his mouth plates her forehead in some semblance of a kiss, “Have I mentioned how much I love you”

“Not since this morning,” she teased, “but don’t worry, we’ve got plenty of time to make up for it”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's not a thrilling conclusion but this part of the story feels...complete. If you're interested in more of Louise Shepard, I'll be putting together a collection for this story soon with shorts that didn't make it into the fic. 
> 
> Thank you again for all the encouragement through this week I've been posting. I appreciated every bit of it :)


End file.
